Our American Wedding

We're back from our honeymoon.  After our second wedding, we spent a week in Jacksonhole, Wyoming.  Ashan had never been out West, and I had never been to Wyoming. 

I'll post more pictures later.

Here are a few from our American wedding.  Ashan looked so handsome. 

BTW - Wedding night #2 was spectacular {wink wink}

 

 

Wedding Night Sex with a Total Stranger

I have been asked many times by my co-workers, friends, even friends of friends what my wedding night was like since I married someone I barely know. (I quickly discovered that having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker, and my social circle mushrooms each time I retell my story.)

My co-workers are totally intrigued when they hear about my arranged marriage. My response to them usually is “Having sex the first time totally depends on the partners.”

 Here is how I truly feel however.


Studies have shown that most couples have sex after the third date. I spent time with Ashan 3 times before we were married. 1) the day we met 2) the family dinner 3) the engagement celebration. Think about this question. Is there an established etiquette for two consenting adults spending the night together in a bed? Every couple has a first time. For ours, we just happened to be married.



Also, even with people who know each other very well feel anxiety about wedding night sex.


In fact, it seems like for most people just because they have married, they have got the license to have sex. This is the thing that I think is poorly understood. In most arranged marriages nowadays, at least all the ones I've encountered, the man and the woman each has veto power. It's arranged, not forced. I have heard of arranged marriages where the husband forces the new bride to do things she is not comfortable doing. If she does not submit, he slaps her, she then becomes afraid of him, and does what he wants. That is marital rape. Not a sensual experience.

 


BTW – Wedding night sex was amazing!!! It was a whopping 96 degrees on our wedding day. We were exhausted and soaked when we finally got back to the honeymoon suite. I went into the bathroom to peel myself out of the drenched wedding attire, take a shower, and change. I finally walked out -- perfect hair, stellar makeup, and some sexy lingerie. Ashan was sitting on the edge of the bed, texting, and waiting patiently. He took a quick shower while I lit candles.

Scents always remind me of special events and generally enhance my mood.  When Ashan emerged from the bathroom, he smelled so good. And his jet black hair glistened from the wetness of the shower.  His shirt was unbuttoned and for the first time, I saw his bare chest.  I felt my knees weaken.  Ashan and I were both nervous. He carried me over to the bed.   We kissed and cuddled for awhile.  As we slowly undressed each other, I saw the ripples of his muscles on muscles. He was even more beautiful than I had imagined. Just being naked together felt amazing. Ashan was very gentle. We took our time. We giggled and played. I could feel Ashan getting hard, but I wasn’t quite ready for his entry. Surprisingly, he sensed this and his fingers began to work their magic. I was ecstatic. It was so sensual. Eventually, we relaxed enough for intercourse. Ashan and I are sexually attracted to each other. Throughout the course of the night, we made love several times. There is a certain expectation that sex on your wedding night will be something incredible. For us, it was. And the best part is that we get to have a wedding night all over again this weekend. We can’t wait!!!!!!

I Married the Man of My...Well, I Married a Total Stranger

At an age when most young women have had several ex-boyfriends and a current “it’s complicated” relationship, I managed to stay surprisingly romantically un-entangled. I didn’t date. I wanted an arranged marriage.

Of course, as a teenager I scoffed at arranged marriages, fantasized wild romances, waited to be swept away by my good-looking hero from the United States, our courtship involving secret kisses, convoluted misunderstandings and dramatic declarations of love, his name like a prince, from an improbable chick-flick, say Princess Diaries. But my only real exposure to romantic love came from my parents’ upper middle class, apparently boring, and very much arranged marriage.

For my high school graduation present, I vacationed in the United States...and fell in love with New York City.  For four years I studied and was alienated by the very entrenched and ineffectual western dating system and its soaring divorce rates. I have had some American friends express horror at what they viewed as forced marriage and others wish they were born Indian so that their parents and matrimonial websites could help them pick out husbands from a catalog.

The more I saw of the world and met its people, the more I was convinced that falling in love was the easy part, getting everything else to fit is hard! (Sure, he’s gorgeous, but is he even interested in marriage? He’s smart, but does he earn enough? He’s sensitive, but will he support your career choices? He's fun, but will he want to live in the United States?  He’s sweet, but does he want kids?) I see that all kinds of marriage work. (Introduced by a friend, met online, hooked up with at a college party, childhood friend reconnected; everything from Vivah type arrangement to Kannada serial style elopement.)

And all kinds of marriage, arranged or “love” can fall apart because of dishonesty, abuse or financial hardship. If I couldn’t ultimately be sure of the outcome in any case, why not aim for the catalog of eligible marriage material to minimize risk rather than pub-crawling with potential dating material who might eventually turn into reasonable boyfriends and still later, decent husbands?

I believe that if all parties in the arranged marriage market are completely transparent about expectations and honest about assets, the probability of a successful match and enduring partnership is very high. My parents have the most beautiful, honest and caring relationship I have witnessed in all my travels. I’m optimistic and I knew there was someone out there who would make a great partner in the joint project of sharing a life and raising kids.

I’m realistic and my body’s on a clock. Expecting to bump into someone who ticks all the boxes, falling in love with, getting into a relationship with, moving in with, getting asked "The Question", and getting married to that great person in the next two years was, without all other logistics under consideration, just mathematically improbable.

I finished graduate school older, wiser and so ready to meet some suitors.  I don’t know about expectations, but I sincerely hoped that there were other people like me, educated and well traveled.

My parents were working very diligently at finding a suitable groom for me from their home in India.  To make a long story short, when my niece was born in December, her pediatrician was very much eligible.  However because of the long hours he worked, he was unable to successfully be a part of the dating scene.  My mom asked  him if he was married.  He said he was not, so my mom showed him my picture and gave him her contact information.  The following day, this guy's dad's unabashed reply to my mom's contact was, "My son is a pediatrician. We have got many offers from many girls. But he seems to have liked your daughter's photo and wants to meet her." He went on to add that a certain politician's daughter had offered 6 crores ( i.e. 60,000,000 INR which equals almost $1,170,000 USD) for his pediatrician son . But it seems the son didn't like the politician's daughter. 

Over Winter Break, I flew to India to meet my suitor.  It was my first "pennukannal".  I don't know if it's technically correct as the literal meaning, but it means "girl seeing."  It is the term given to the custom when a guy and his family/friends come for the first time to the girl's family to "check out" the girl.  The pennukannal happened in our house. He came with his dad and two of his brothers-in law. I should say they behaved decently. They came and drank our tea and cola and ate our expensive pastries and snacks and left.  He spoke with an American accent that I found knee-knockingly sexy.

The second time I saw him was at a dinner orchestrated by both families, where our parents decided on the spot that this was my guy.  My parents were ecstatic, and truthfully, I was pleased to be the reason for their joy. One week later, his mother called my mother, and by the end of the phone call, we were engaged.  And the very fact that he was getting hitched to an Indian living in America made him royalty.

Traditionally in India, the bride's father pays for the weeklong ceremony. He also provides a "dowry" — cash that accompanies the bride from her old home to her new one and serves as her financial security — sort of an ancient prenup. In today's urban India, it's couched in a package of fabulous parties, elegant saris, and, of course, heirloom jewels that mothers have cleverly been amassing since their daughters were born. My future in-laws, however, insisted on sharing the financial burden, setting the stage for an equitable and very modern marriage.

So here I am, embracing arranged marriage.  On June 14, 2013, I was swept away by my unknown hero.  We had a traditional Indian wedding.  I am extremely blessed (not to mention lucky) that my arranged marriage is the sweetest, most generous man I have ever met.   For more details, see post called "My Big Fat Indian Wedding."

Next weekend, we will do it all over again in a traditional American Christian ceremony - me in a gorgeous white gown and Ashan in a tuxedo.  He is very nervous for this.

My next post will be all about the wedding night with a man I don't know (well, not ALL details will be revealed...)

My Big Fat Indian Wedding

As you read this, please remember that this is all from my perspective and from what I’ve experienced. The thing to understand about the Indian culture is that there are variations to almost everything you do and celebrate based on what region of India you’re from, what town your family grew up in, and what familial traditions were passed down over the years.

The Indian wedding celebration is just that…a true celebration. It can last anywhere from two days to four or five. There’s lots of dancing, singing, praying, laughing, eating, etc. I’m going to break down the components based on what we did for our wedding. 

Pre-Wedding Rituals

The main wedding ceremony was preceded by two major events. The first one was the engagement ceremony. The engagement ceremony took place a few weeks before the wedding.  It was a date chosen by the elders of the family after consultation with the priest. As compared to the wedding, this was a small affair which was attended mostly by close family members and friends of Ashan and mine. During this ceremony, we exchanged wedding rings. It was followed by exchange of sweets between them as well as the members of our families. The occasion concludes with music, dance and loads of fun.

The other major even took place two days before the wedding.  It was called the Mehendi.

Two Days Before the Wedding

So two days before the wedding, we held a mehndhi (aka henna) night.  My family and the groom’s family each held our own night of dancing, singing, eating, and mehndhi. Think of mehndhi as a temporary tattoo of sorts. The bride and all of her female family and friends get it done as a way to adorn their hands, arms, and usually just the bride does her feet.

Ashan is not a huge fan of this stuff. He says it creeps him out.  I’ve been waiting my whole life for bridal Mehndhi…I went all out and he ended up loving it!!! 

One Day Before the Wedding

 

The morning before the wedding my parents had a series of poojas (prayer events) at our house for me.  They were held throughout the morning and early afternoon, and different family members performed different parts of each. For one of the ceremonies, a haldi, the women of the family put a yellow paste all over my exposed skin. 

The haldi paste is made from turmeric, rose water, and sandalwood powder. It is gooey and cold but smells strong and pungent, yet refreshing.  The paste was put on five places: the feet, knees, arms, hands, face. I am not sure why those five places and why start from the feet going up but that’s how it goes.The whole point was to bless and purify the bride for the next chapter in my life.  From this point until the time of the wedding, Ashan and I could not see each nor did we leave the house.  Symbolism is a huge part of Indian weddings.

 

The night before the wedding both my family and Ashan’s family got together for a garba celebration (a traditional Gujarati dance). In actuality, garba holds a very spiritual significance and is celebrated right after Diwali.  But the thing to note here is that everyone came dressed in colorful outfits and were ready to dance. Personally, I see it as a way for both the bride and groom’s family and friends to get together and have fun. I’m really simplifying it, but in my eyes, that was the true purpose of it.  


The Day We’ve All Been Waiting For…

The main ceremony began with the arrival of the 'Baraat' which is a formal procession that includes friends, family members, and relatives of the groom . The members who joined the Baraat are called the 'Baraatis'. There is a lot of music, dance and enjoyment in this gathering.  My groom, dressed in a brocade coat, arrived in a flower-decked Mercedes — a modern-day maharaja.

When the Baraatis reach the beautifully decorated mandap (a mini pavilion where the actual wedding ceremony took place), my family (the bride's family) gave them a warm welcome. The groom was only allowed to enter the venue only after my mother performed a ritual called 'Aarti.' This is done by rotating a small holy earthen lamp in front of the groom. A sheet was put in front of Ashan so he couldn't see me arrive.  Next, the 'Jaimala' ceremony took place. I was led to the mandap by my maternal uncles.  Once I was in the mandap, the sheet was removed.  Here is where we finally got to see each other and exchange garlands. This ceremony signified that we accept one another as spouse and pledged to show mutual respect to each other throughout our lives. My parents then performed some more ceremonies.  This was called kanyadan or the giving away of the bride.  Once this ritual is over, the guests and relatives presented us with wedding gifts and congratulated us.

Then, comes the most important section of the wedding, where Ashan and I exchanged vows in front of God while chanting slokas (hymns) with the priest. After that, the 'Phera' or 'saat phere' ritual took place where a knot was tied with a part of my dress and Ashan's dress.  My favorite part of our wedding was the pheras (walking around the fire)! We did it seven times, and i truly felt that with each circle Ashan and I were becoming one. Its such an incredible feeling I just wish I could do it every year!   Each round or phera has its own significance. In the first three rounds, the groom follows the bride which signifies that the bride will take charge in the earlier part of their life and in the next four rounds the groom leads which means he would lead in the later part.

 

 

And finally, the bride and groom take seven steps together that represent the guiding principles of married life or Indian vows…

1. Respect for each other
2. Caring for each other
3. Patience with each other
4. Honesty and faithfulness to each other
5. Building a happy and strong family together6. Traveling the journey of life together with harmony and love
7. Remaining life-long friends

Annnnnnnnnnd…you’re done! WOOT! 

Oh, and by the way, you're not supposed to do ANY housework until all you wedding mendhi wears off!